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Michigan AG Candidate: Vote For Me Because I Don't Have A Penis

  • Adam Casalino
  • Dec 2, 2017 1:43PM

We are living in some interesting times, my friends. Apparently, that was a curse by the Chinese. Maybe they were true.

Almost on a daily basis, we are discovering things about America’s establishment. Things that beggar belief. Since the revelation that Harvey Weinstein, powerful Hollywood star-maker, was a horrifying rapist, more figures have been exposed. Major Hollywood actors, directors, and producers have been outed as sex offenders. And it hasn’t stopped there.

To date, there have been nineteen significant men in journalism accused of sexual misconduct. Charlie Rose, a CBS staple, was outed and fired. Most shocking (perhaps to some) was the dismissal of Matt Lauer, longtime figure at NBC. Apparently, he was up to no good.

Then, of course, there have been political figures accused of all things, from sexually assaulting minors to propositioning congressional staff.

To be honest, it’s overwhelming. I wouldn’t begrudge anyone that is feeling pissed off and betrayed right now. Regardless of your politics, this is some hard stuff to deal with. To realize that not only were important men in major industries abusing women (and men and children), but that there were people hushing it up? It’s criminal and evil.

Add to that the fact that there will probably be more accusations coming in the future.

It understandably leads people to search for solutions. But solutions can be tricky. Often the best ones are the hardest to produce. Why bother with working at coming up with a permanent, long-lasting solution to this problem—when you can just pander to idiots?

I mean, men can’t abuse women in politics—if there aren’t any men there, right? Now’s the time for women to rise up and take these seats of power. After all, you can’t show a woman your penis, if you don’t have one.

Sounds silly, I know. Under any other circumstances, what I wrote above would be a parody. But this is 2017. Parody is now real life. And a Democratic candidate for Michigan Attorney General, Dana Nessel, literally is running on that platform.

Dana Nessel is running to be the next Michigan Attorney General. Now that we live in a post-Harvey Weinstein world, Nessel wants you to know the most important reason for Michiganers to vote for her. She does not have a penis. Nor, apparently, a good sense of judgement.

Yes, she’s running as a Democrat. (Louder With Crowder)

Um, wow. Just wow. I know that the issue of sexual harassment cannot be overplayed. But is this the best ya got, Dana?

The idea that “you can’t show them your penis if you don’t have one,” is idiotic as a platform. Seriously, does she want us to think that all men in positions of power are sexual predators waiting to strike?

She wants us to think that, when given the opportunity, all of us would drop our pants and pounce. That’s not the truth, Dana, and you know it. The majority of men in our society are decent, honest, hard-working people. They are fathers, husbands, and brothers, who would defend a woman before they’d hurt one.

You know what the reaction was from the men I know when they heard about Weinstein? Disgust. We all didn’t get together and say, “Oh well, another good ol’ boy bites the dust!” We were horrified that there were men out there who would mistreat women so terribly. It turns my stomach to think of what Weinstein and John Conyers did to women—women that trusted them.

Real men look after the people in their lives. We’re not looking for the next opportunity to assault women. People like Dana Nessel are manipulating the current climate to their own advantage. Hmm, a politician exploiting the news for personal gain? Where have we heard that before?

All the time. They do it all the time.

Dana is no different than every other insider politician that is infesting government right now. You may not believe President Trump when he says he wants to drain the swamp. But it’s people like Dana Americans think of when they think of corrupt, dishonest politicians.

As if only men were capable of corruption and abuse. I must have missed the day in biology class when our teacher explained that the penis was the root of all evil. Apparently having a certain kind of genitalia makes you more disposed to abusing the rights of others. But that raises other questions…

We actually reached out to Ms. Nessel’s campaign with questions*. Is this part of a broader anti-penis effort being brought to Michigan? Does she think she can ride this all the way to victory? What about women who have a penis, since LOL gender roles? Is she trying to shame transwomen? Who do have penises? Will this clear anti-pecker bias affect how she enforces laws against people who do have peckers? What about people who chose to chop their chipper? Are they allowed to serve as her staff? (Louder With Crowder)

I mean, gender is fluid, right? So a man with a penis might not actually be a man. He might identify as a woman. Does that make him more likely to assault someone or less? What about women who identify as men? They might not have penises, but they might be just as abusive.

Once again, a Democrat is offering a stupidly simplistic solution to a complicated issue. Just like when they call for gun bans after a shooting. Instead of addressing the problem properly, they jump on the dumbest of ideas.

Most men are decent. They aren’t interested in assaulting, raping, or harassing women. The solution to replace men in leadership with women, simply to avoid sexual assault, is laughably ludicrous. There are lesbians, after all. And not all of them play nice.

The better solution is to hold all people in power accountable. People must speak up when someone abuses their influence in any way. We must stick to a system that can uncover the truth and deal with real cases of assault, while exposing potentially false ones. And we need to see major reform come to Hollywood, journalism, and government, so no predator is protected (for years).

That takes real work. And a healthy dose of honesty. But those aren’t attributes I’d expect from politicians.

So yeah, just vote for the one without the penis. That makes much more sense.