Alex Jones' Custody Trial Is The Most Surreal Thing Ever

Conspiracy USA

UPDATE: Since the publication of this article, Alex Jones subsequently his court case, along with full custody of his children.

As you may or may not know, far right-wing pundit and walking hilarious quote machine Alex Jones is mired in a legal battle with his ex-wife Kelly for custody of his three children.

As the Jones’ court battle began on April 18th, it became immediately clear that Alex Jones himself, both on the airwaves and off, would be the primary topic of discussion. Those that have fallen into a YouTube wormhole of Alex Jones’ most unhinged moments have surely wondered ‘Is this guy real?’. The continuing stream of preposterous quotes which have emerged from the custody hearing have provided a definitive answer.

Alex Jones’ on-camera persona seems to be exactly who he is, and his very real existence as a father and former husband provide a hilarious, if not sad, image of the man away from work that few of us had considered before the custody trial became national news.

Fortunately, we did not have to wait long for the Twitter reporters to begin leaking the comedy gold.

Before we get to the good stuff, I politely request that you read these quotes, whether in your head or aloud, while employing the gruff, curt, three-pack-a-day timbre of the Conspiracy God himself. Trust me, it’s the only way to get maximum humor out of the exercise.

And please, for the love of all things holy, try to suppress the reality that Info Wars reaches over 4.7 million people monthly, many of whom take Jones’ assertions very seriously.

Being the boisterous public figure that Jones is, his attorneys anticipated that his trove of free, online videos would be parsed and paraded by Kelly Jones’ attorneys. In anticipation of this, Alex Jones’ attorney urged that relevant parties take these “performances” with a grain of salt:

“This is political satire, it’s part of his show, it has nothing pertaining to the parent-child matter,” said his attorney, Randall Wilhite.

Those that have seen Jones know that there must be a modicum of truth to what he espouses, whether it be a 9/11 inside job conspiracy or his fuming rage toward leftists. Nobody who takes such bold stances over such prolonged periods with such vigor as Alex Jones has merely laughs them off later as performance art. You can’t convince me otherwise.

But, in the most outrageous of instances, perhaps we should give him the benefit of the doubt. After all, can you imagine Jones unleashing this tirade on one of his kids because they let a “Dad, you’re being a real Russian foreign agent right now!” slip out during a heated exchange?

Well, with most parents, obviously not. But this is Alex Jones, and those on-air fits of unbridled outrage just feel too real to dismiss. When it comes to this trial, no allegation is too absurd to discount.

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